I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
