I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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