hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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