I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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