Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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