I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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