that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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