Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
