when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
