dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm having to shit out rocks
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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