All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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