Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
