They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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