is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
