I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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