What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He passed out mid-signature
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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