I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
