its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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