margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
