I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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