I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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