Im at strip club and am horny
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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