You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
