is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
