I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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