My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
