Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
