My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
