I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
