There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
