i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
And then he peed in my hair
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