Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
