Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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