I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
