the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
