i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
