If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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