I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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