The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
