My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
