Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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