Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
All I want is dick and wine.
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