Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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