His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
