im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
