i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
