She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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