FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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