my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
you will always have a special place in my vag
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
