I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
