Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
