I faked an abortion last night.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
