And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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